Sunday, December 6, 2015

Beginning Anew

I started blogging about my recovery two and a half years ago. At the time, I felt I needed to open myself up to a new kind of accountability and share my story with others who are also going through this insidious addiction. 

After about a year, I moved my blog to its own domain, Let Him Heal Your Heart. I wrote often for a long time, but in February of this year, my wife had a baby. A month later, I started a new job writing for a living. Between the dwindling free time that comes with having a newborn turned infant and a lack of desire to do what I do all day when I'm not working (writing, that is), my blog died the death.

I had another blog while all this was going on. I wrote about my hobby, personal finance (that's actually how I got my job writing full-time). The problem is that when I started Let Him Heal Your Heart, the blog's hosting was on the same account as the personal finance blog. So when I sold that blog and it was subsequently resold, all the files for my recovery blog were deleted. 

This is how that felt:

Anyway, I thought I could go back to my old blogspot blog, but I set up a redirect on it a long time ago to the new blog and I have no idea how to remove it. Anyway, not that it matters. It feels good to begin anew, especially with a new direction.

You see, my recovery over the past five years or so has been largely self-driven, meaning I've been doing it my way. Do I want to go to group? No. So I don't. Do I want to work the steps? No. So I don't. I've picked and chosen what I wanted to do and hoped that would be enough.

I've been reworking the steps lately, however, and have been on Step 3 for a while now. What it's come down to is the fact that I've been afraid of submitting my whole self to God. I want to give up my addiction, but nothing else. Because honestly, I like my life beyond my addiction. (OK, honestly, I also like my addiction. I wouldn't still be here writing about my struggles with recovery if I didn't.)

But in order to qualify for His help, I really do need to start doing recovery His way, seeking Christ throughout the day, putting Him first and trying to become a better person. It'll be a long road. I've digressed quite a bit spiritually from before my wife and I got married, so it's not going to get fixed in a day.

Also, I'm trying to lose some major weight. 50 lbs. to be exact. So two things at once. Here's to fighting the good fight. 

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